From World Naked Bike Ride Month to Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night, we present to you the most bizarre and baffling observances scheduled throughout 2013. Warning: It gets weird. Really weird. Also: Cats have entirely too many theme days devoted to them.
And yes, we realize you’ve missed almost half of these days at this point. Apologies for depriving you of International Fanny Pack Day. Maybe it’ll happen again next year.
Jan. 11-17: In case you don’t already have the choreography memorized like the rest of us:
Jan. 28 to Feb. 2: Because cowboys and poetry go together like country music and beer — apparently.
Jan. 2: Get it?
Jan. 3: Just a friendly reminder!
Jan. 22: We warned you. According to PetCentric, “The proper way to participate in National Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day is to be aware of your cat on a more conscious level, and notice when your cat is trying to ask you something. Your job is to stop what you’re doing and try to figure out what your cat is asking, and do your best to answer the question.” So … yeah.
Jan. 24: According to the day’s Facebook page, this one was created to commemorate the 1848 discovery of gold in California. “All y’ gotta do is, … well, … Talk like a grizzled prospector, dagnabbit!” So it’s really Say ‘Dagnabbit’ A Lot Day.
February: Anyone want to explain to us why these two fruits are combined? We’ve eaten avocado with just about everything but banana …
February: That one time a year when old ladies everywhere can embrace their inner Betty White and go wild. Join a flash mob, visit a nude beach, prank the local teenagers. Whatever floats your boat.
Feb. 3-9: Intentionally scheduled a week before Valentine’s Day, this holiday gives women (or men!) the chance to say “Suck it!” to greeting card companies everywhere and end their bad relationships despite pressure from the upcoming holiday. (Like most of these observances, you shouldn’t need an official week to do this.)
Feb. 1: Someone out there felt the need to officially tell you that you should ignore the freezing temperatures and possible snow outside one day each winter and throw a luau — grass skirt, coconuts, piña coladas and all. Because that’s exactly what women have always wanted: for bikini season to be a year-round thing.
Feb. 1: Even better. Forget the bikini (see Hula in the Coola Day, above) and just go nude. Home office required.
Feb. 18: A day to remember one of America’s greatest heroes: Elm Farm Ollie, the first cow to fly in an airplane on Feb. 18, 1931. According to the Dairy Farmers of America’s website, “During the flight, she was milked and the milk was sealed in paper containers and parachuted over St. Louis, Miss.” Or you might have just celebrated Presidents Day.
March 11-17: There’s no way to explain this bizarre holiday — celebrated in Canisteo Valley in Canisteo, N.Y. — without just directly quoting Chase’s Calendar of Events: “Traditionally turkey vultures return on St. Pat’s Day to their roosting sites in and around the world-famous living sign, as mentioned in ‘Ripley’s Believe It or Not.’ The sign spells out ‘Canisteo’ using 250 trees on a ridge above Greenwood Street.” Yay, turkey vultures!
March 9: Just to be clear: This does not make it acceptable to wear a fanny pack.
March 27: The Food and Drug Administration approved the use of Viagra for the treatment of erectile dysfunction on March 27, 1998. So go ahead and celebrate Viagraversary if you want — we don’t need to know how.
March 28: Because April 20 just wasn’t enough.
April: Celebrate by telling Christian jokes or re-watching George Carlin’s stand-up on religion and God.
April 14-20: Because bats need love too.
April 13: What about a Mom Massage Day? Doesn’t that make more sense?
April 26: Hairballs. They’re out there. Be aware.
May 1: Because that Batman costume was just too expensive to only wear during Comic-Con.
May 19-20: To remember the only chicken with his own Wikipedia page.
May 29: Supposedly putting a pillow on top of your fridge brings good luck and wealth to households. And somehow there’s a whole day for that and no “Buy a Lottery Ticket Day.”
June: The only thing more freeing than riding a bike is riding a bike naked. By the way, it’s legal to go topless in New York City. Just throwing it out there.
June 2: Literally. According to Chase’s Calendar of Events, “In order to keep poisonous cobra snakes out of North America, all citizens are asked to go outdoors at noon, local time, and yell ‘Fudge!’ Fudge makes cobras gag, and the mere mention of it makes them skedaddle.”
June 21: Wait, seriously? Cats get “Happy Mew Year” and “Answer your Cat’s Questions Day,” and dogs get “Ugliest Dog Day?” Unbelievable.
July: It’s like “Pimp My Ride,” only for seniors.
July 27: “Walking your plants around the neighborhood enables them to know their environment, thereby providing them with a sense of knowing, bringing on wellness.” Suddenly, answering a cat’s questions doesn’t sound so unreasonable.
July 8: Wellcat.com says, “Due to overzealous planting of zucchini, citizens are asked to drop off baskets of the squash on neighbors’ doorsteps.” To everyone without a porch: No zucchini for you!
Sept. 28: Fish have to entertain you all the time. On Sept. 28, it’s time to reverse the roles. “Gather family and friends ‘round the aquarium and dance and sing.” In other words, it’s Another Way to Make Your Kids Uncomfortable Day.
Oct. 14: Wig out! No, seriously. Throw the wig out. This is a day to prove bald can be beautiful.
Nov. 29: We learned something new today: There apparently is a whole community of people called “sinkies” who occasionally dine over the kitchen sink. So this is a day to “become acquainted with the sinkie style of dining,” according to Chase’s Calendar of Events. And it’s, of course, sponsored by the International Association of People Who Dine Over The Kitchen Sink.
Dec. 5: Interpret how you wish.
Dec. 8: Because when else are you going to get away with Dr. Who role-playing?